My Father’s Son (Part 1)

On Wednesday afternoon, one of my colleagues at one of the many places I work, walked up to my desk (he had been answering his phone prior), and as blankly as ever said, “Sister wange agenze”! “My sister has just gone”!

"My sister's gone!"
source: unsplash.com

The previous weekend to that (23^rd April,2017) marked exactly ten years. A decade since my dad has passed. Ten years since my father “went”. Like my workmate, a decade since I received such a call.

I understood all too well how he felt at that point in time, and that’s not to say that I “knew” how (he felt). I did what I know how to do when people are at loss/confused/grieving/just doing nothing. I walked into his office, sat on one of the desks, and just listened to him. I have a bunch of friends who call it “the ministry of presence” …the act of “being there” with and for a person.

I think “death of a loved one” is a thing that is not really talked about (at least in my circles). It’s one of those uncomfortable topics to discuss (especially with people that have experienced such loss) and rightly so. What do you talk about? And how do you talk about it?

So, here’s my personal dealings with loss. This is what I experienced and that’s not to say I dealt with it the right way…

Silence

Until last year (or the year before that…time flies…I don’t remember) I had had no form of conversation with my closest family about my dad’s death, and how it affected us (how we felt). It was like at one point we were dealing with so many things at the same time, then we failed, then someone who was watching all this hit the mute button…and our lives went on in silence.

Some may call it a form of grieving, who knows?

It took my mum grabbing me by the hand and asking to my face, “how do feel? How come we’ve never talked about this? You and your brother…do you ever talk about what happened?” Almost a decade later!

"..our lives went on in silence"
source: unsplash.com 

Anger

And that’s when it dawned! One of the things I had felt had been anger!

I was angry at most people. I was disappointed with my family…more like surprised at what things my relatives can do.

I developed a distaste for my “home church”. It’s difficult when you have reverends who cook up stories about you and your family (bad stories) …

It’s interesting, but most people run! At least in my experience, my number of friends significantly dropped…and kept dropping some more gradually!

I was angry at my dad! How could he be so sick, and not let us know? And not have us say our proper goodbyes? Part of me felt that he had run…abandoned us you could say!

Every single project that I started on… school work…anything that begun after my dad’s passing always seemed to FAIL! It all seemed to die!

I was experiencing the kind of loss I had never experienced before!

So yes…I was very frustrated!

Helplessness

I was frustrated, but then again, I felt helpless! There is nothing I could do about it!

I was 17, starting my A ‘levels, my brother was sitting his final exams to join University, and the future looked bleak; all that seemed like it wasn’t going to happen. And I resigned!

The comma at the end of this phase of my life felt like a heavy full-stop!

Apart from God, there was no one…or thing to turn to. The people around me were fighting with their own incarnation of the demon of loss!

"anything that begun...seemed to fail"
Source: pexels.com

Motivation or (Recklessness if you like)

This might sound a little counterintuitive, but most of the things I’m passionate about/ do right now, I was thrust into them at that point in time!

I was not about to lose again. True, I’d lost my father…but nothing was about to steal my dreams away from me. That was not going to happen at any cost.

Just like that, I started working on my art, writing and music…sometimes with feverish obsession, other times with reckless abandon. I wanted to see the things in my head manifest, in my lifetime!

"I wanted to see the things in my head manifest, in my lifetime!"
Source: unsplash.com

Perspective

The perspective, the loss of a loved one serves, is served raw and very cold! It is real!

Remember how I said that “most people ran”, that my “number of friends significantly dropped”? Well, some of that was by choice…my choice.

 I could no longer afford to have friends with whom we were going nowhere (for lack of a better way to put it).

Somehow, I begun thinking about things like “my priorities in life”, “where I’ll be when I’m 27”, “what I want to do with my life” and “what next”.

I didn’t want anyone or anything to mess with my time. It’s like someone hit me on the head with the sledge hammer of “reality check”, and I woke up!

"Somehow, I begun thinking about my priorities in life”
Source: unsplash.com

That’s the short of it… brief descriptions of what I (thought/believe I) experienced ten years ago, and the long years that ensued!

So, when my workmate received that fateful call, I fully and clearly understood what he felt…even if I had no idea what it was.

Have you lost a loved one?

Do you think you will ever “get over it” in this life? Is that even possible?

Let’s talk in the comments section below.

Thank you for taking the time to read! 

Stories From The Elections

It’s funny how I’m jumping into the #UgBlogWeek action a day to its end. Maybe it has something to do with the theme this time, “Love and Elections”, and how my love life does not quite connect with it.

 Mine was a sole candidature. I presented myself to my wife as the one candidate that has a vision for our future state of affairs. She said yes, and exactly eight months and two weeks later, we are fine. The people are happy! There is no need for any changes in our constitution; we did not institute term limits, we only hold elections when it comes to who is controlling the TV remote and/or who’s turn it is to make breakfast. It works for us (someone should have picked a leaf)!

Anyway, so to show my love for the Elections, I have chosen to share stories I came across during this election week.

You Have Already used 70% of Your Internet Bundle
With love from Airtel Uganda.

On “election day”, I woke up and loaded an internet bundle, and for about 30 minutes the phone just sat there and looked at me (the kind of looking that the Basoga call okumoga). This never happens. Usually it buzzes with joy, telling me all these beautiful things about, who commented on my post on Instagram, about how I have some new “few followers” on twitter, about how so and so has messaged me on messenger. All this so that I can pick it up, swipe my notifications to oblivion/deletion, put it down, and get back to my awesome life. This time though, no such thing happened.  After staring at it in shock, one little notification came in. You guessed right, “You have already used 70% of…blah blah blah”.  Just then, everyone else in the house started complaining about how their Whatsapp messages were not going through. Then I slowly flashed that “I see what you just did there” grin. Our beloved UCC (Uganda Communications Council) wanted us to spend a day off our phones loving on each other in “real life” as opposed to poking each other on Facebook and Whatsapp. Good on you UCC. I should look forward to this day (in five years), right?

HJ's Lumonde Post
I read this funny facebook post on someone’s wall. And I quote:

“As others are passionately campaigning or waiting to vote, others have run off to areas they didn’t register to vote from. Nolaba lumonde! It’s the same damn thing. Same election results will be declared because of these people. I blame these people running away”

~my facebook friend

After reading this, my reaction was “wait, people went to the village??? Oh mheen! There goes my chance of getting a fresh supply of lumonde”. At this point you can’t even text someone to bring you some as they return to “the town”.

Please note. Lumonde is sweet potatoes. The village is that part of Uganda that is not referred to as Kampala (which by the way is not a collection of huts in a clearing in a thick rain-forest). Just saying...

Village bounty!

TV at 1am

So, in a bid to be a responsible Ugandan, on Election night I chose to stay up and “protect our votes”. You know, stay abridge with the numbers.

 Who am I kidding? I stayed up to protect my bet. A friend of mine had assured me about why they were not voting. The reason was, Besigye (the main opposition guy) was going to win and Museveni (the incumbent) would be announced winner. According to this guy, opposition would win for most of the day time, then after midnight the incumbent’s percentage win would just soar!

Boy was I glad (when I turned on the TV at around 1:30am) that that bet did not involve money. It was exactly how my friend had predicted (and as I type this, nothing has changed. Time check 8:57a.m. Date 19^th February in the 30^th year of Museveni). The incumbent has a 60% lead, the opposition following with their 30%, and the rest, with some unfair percentages like 0.38%, 1.2% et al.

I believe in our country’s Electoral Commission (E.C). I just think it’s not fair. You do not announce results in percentages; the actual numbers would sound better. Think about this, 300 votes sounds better than 1% right? Besides, every candidate would then be engrossed in finding that mathematical formula for calculating percentage, and average. By the time they are through, the E.C would have announced the winner, and they wouldn’t be so shocked. I think it hurts to know you’ve lost right from the start!

More TV at 1am
What I didn’t tell you is what I else I watched on TV. There was this annoying interview (more like debate) on NTV Uganda. Joel Besekezi and Flavia Tumusiime(NTV journalists) were interviewing a spokesperson for the NRM(the incumbent’s) party. So they ask him if he was excited that they are winning, to which he answers;

“I’m not excited. I know more than you know.”

Huh?

They ask him why there were lines of soldiers patrolling some polling stations;

“Joel and Flavia, you are younger than me. Maybe you didn’t see those bad days… when you see military, you see safety.”

And then when they asked him why UCC turned off social media in Uganda?

“Surely it’s a thing you can forego for a day or two. We’ve lived without social media for quite some time. Social media is a new thing in this country.”

So I decide to flip through channels. And what do I find? The president addressing the press just after he had cast his vote. They asked him what he would be doing as he awaits the results:

“Sleeping... I have not been sleeping. Then tomorrow I will go for my cross country walk, and look at my cows!”

That’s when I saw the wisdom in going to bed also.

Sue Bryce
This week, a photographer friend of mine shared with me a few videos of famed portrait photographer, Sue Bryce. In the videos she speaks about how “self-hate” affected her work. So this is what I learnt.

When we don’t like someone, usually they are mirroring us. That we see something we don’t like about ourselves in them, so we don’t like them. Weird how that works, right? So I put what I learnt in practice. I asked my wife what she sees in me, that she also sees in the one mutual friend I catch myself complaining about on work related issues. Let’s just say that was one enlightening moment. Next time you find yourself wanting to “hate on” someone for no reason, begin by examining yourself.

The other thing I learnt is, half the time, there is no such thing as real fear! That real fear should happen if you’re in real danger. Say a real lion is hot on your heels kind of danger. That half the time what we call fear is ego and self-hate lying to us. We say “I fear to talk to the boss” , “I fear to start this business” , “I have stage fright” and yet, we’re still standing there, alive, in no imminent danger. According to her, that’s the voice in our head that we’ve listened to since our childhood. It tells us to “shut up and sit down” every time we stand up to do something for ourselves. Don’t listen to that voice.

In my conclusion, there really is no fear.

Thankfulness
Did you notice there was a Valentine's day and two day-offs all in this one week?That’s something to give thanks about.

Also, I’m thankful to God that I am alive in this era. I’m thankful for my country Uganda.

Adios amigos.