PART5:HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide!

Part 5: Kwanjula…To Be Or Not to Be?

That is the question!

Is there a word for being perplexed, bewildered, flabbergasted, hypnotised and in limbo all at the same time?

During our kwanjula, I must have been HYPNOWILDERFLABBERLIMBOPLEXED!! No kidding!

(“Kwanjula” is the official Buganda cultural marriage ceremony, where the clan expresses their consent to a marriage.

 It is usually referred to as The Introduction. There’s a couple of other ceremonies; kukyala, kasuze katya.

And other cultures have their own thing… Kuhingira…ku...That’s not the point today though.)

Maybe it was because they asked me for hoes and cows, and yet the closest I’d ever come to owning cattle was a couple of goats. Maybe it’s because someone threw a spanner…no wait…. a grenade in the works, then it became some kind of obstacle to the wedding.

We had everything planned out to the very last detail; dates and all, had contacted every last person who had to be contacted (or so we thought).  We even had the introduction slated for a week to the wedding, and our families were really not on board…yet. According to some people, they hadn’t been informed officially /traditionally. So we stalled! The kwanjula was pushed a few times before it actually happened.

All I know is we survived that damn grenade. Thank God. (Plus, we ate “malakwang” and “nwen”)

God

(See part 4)

This hasn’t changed. Everybody needs Grace and Love to take them through the twists and turns of life. Always tap into the Highest power.

Family

(See part 3.)

Something I didn’t say before. There is always the other way out. Do a civil wedding and skip this entire hullabaloo.

In my opinion, things to do with family and culture a lot of times have to do with honour.

“Respect is earned but honour is given.”

~Google is telling me this quote is by Craig Groeschel,

 but I honestly first heard this from Moses Mukisa

Stuff like unrealistic dowry, a few insensitive relatives (especially if they are your in-laws to be), random family fights and many other ordeals may possibly make you see family in another light; (a dark light). Whatever you do, always remember HONOUR.

If they raised your future spouse, they have earned that honour!

Meanwhile, it doesn’t always work out like that.

Research

(See part 3.)

I’m told that when you want to learn how to fly a plane; first you enroll for a “Bachelor of Business Administration” programme at any university, follow a few Photoshop and Illustrator tutorials on YouTube, paint a yellow donkey on your window and you’re good to go!

Easy as pie, right?

Do the math. Find people that know about your culture if you don’t. If you can, in life, always make informed decisions.

This is something I’ve got to learn myself!

Plan

(See part 4)

(that’s if you’re having one.)

I’ll just leave that there.

What’s it costing you? Blah blah blah…

Be happy

“There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

~Albert Einstein

It’s really your choice. You can go ahead and see the whole process (of anything really) as a fire walk through hell, or as simply your victory lap. Potato vs. Patato!

I realize it’s taken me a while to respond to last week’s comments. Can you imagine!

Anyway, I am so working on that Vlog thing.

Also thank you for taking the time to read through all this. You are the blessing. I am honoured!

See you next time! ...aaaaaand cut!

Source: Stock

HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide! PART4

Part 4: Planning

You have not planned anything until you plan a wedding… your own wedding. There’s nothing like it!

(According to me.)

And it has nothing to do with your intended guest list at your reception. Talking about guest lists though, it’s true that when you tell people you’re planning for a hundred and fifty people, they usually hear “a hundred and fifty groups of a hundred people”. And everything else follows suit. The decorator when you agree on drapes hears grapes. The deejay who agreed to your 90s’ Hits list shows up with his when_they_call_me_for_an_abrupt_gig_fix list. Then the car hire people hear “No bows” and show up with a huge bow and arrow. Go ahead… laugh.

Kasita that’s not what happened to us… not exactly.

I stand to be corrected, but planning is not just about the wedding day (church and reception). It’s supposed to cover everything like fundraisers, marriage courses, meeting the parents, ceremonies. It’s something that should kick in the moment you start this journey.

Here’s what we learnt.

God

(See part 2)

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”KJV

~Proverbs.3:5-6

Oh yes I’m into that “God business” quite a lot. I am one of those people who believe that we struggle a lot in life, when we choose to ignore or not engage our spiritual potential. Yes, pray about your planning…yes, pray all the time.

Someone to Keep you Accountable

(See part 2again.)

Remember that couple that are friends of ours? Well, the fact that they had done a wedding of their own before meant that they were such a great help.

(Couple friends of ours, “if you’re reading this, it’s too late!”...hahaha…THANK YOU!)

We learnt a very simple method to help you check if you have forgotten something (and it works for just any event). Go through the whole event step by step in your mind. Leave home…get into the car….go to church…pull out the rings… (you catch the drift, right?)

Know What you want and Know it in Time!

Chances are when you tell anyone that you’re getting married; right away they will already know what they want for your wedding. Yours, not theirs. Everyone, right from service providers, friends and family, and virtually anyone is going to want to front some sort of idea they believe is the best for you. And if you’re not careful, that is the wide road that leads to conflict and stress.

If you can, do your research and work out your issues months before the day. You could find out prices of stuff, look up a few venues, talk to a couple of service providers, and even make bookings way before crunch time!

Always remember it’s always fiancé and fiancée who make the decision on what they want. After all, it’s them who have to live with it the morning after the wedding.

The Committee

(that’s if you’re having one.)

Choose a few competent people, who understand what you want. They shouldn’t bully you, but they should bully everyone else on your behalf. Trust me, you need these people.

Our “competent people” were put together in the final weeks because we didn’t really "hold meetings". 

Other

Just like any event, you must ask yourself how you’re planning to fund a thing like that.

Some people do it with their savings, others do wedding meetings.

 On our part we put together some musicians, a gamers’ hub, foodies, and a make-up artist and did jam sessions where people paid for stuff.

Some friends of ours threw a bash where everything (drinks and food) cost quadruple its price. And I know of another couple that did a yard sale. There’s no end to how creative you can get. Just know that “NO MONEY” cannot be your excuse for anything (in life).

In other news, a friend of mine says because of the pressure, he’s going to do a blog series on “How To Stay Single at 25”. I had a good laugh…seriously!

Someone else asked me to do a Vlog (video blog) of this very series. Would people be interested in something like that? Let’s hear those comments (if you noticed, there’s a comment section just below this post).

Also, to the right of this blog is a small widget that says “Submit”. Type in your email and click submit to get notifications when there’s something happening here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, bye!

Source: Stock photo

HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide! PART3

Part 3: Make The Announcement

“Communication is the transfer of messages from the communicator to the communicatee”

~My SST teacher…I think.

So you’ve made the big decision, gone through with the proposing, and even set dates for your big day! The one thing you must never over look this whole time is letting people know, and how you let them know about your marriage things.

For me, it was the beginning of all my catastrophes.

I used to be one of those people who like my own space. And the only kind of intrusion of that space I would accept is “no intrusion at all”; what people like to refer to as classic introvert.

I have since learnt that there is no such thing as “introverts” or “sanguines”. That the things we become, are the things we have learnt over time, and can actually unlearn or learn whatever we choose to.

When it came to the part of letting “my people” know about my intentions and plans, I just arrived late to the party. My dislike for talking on phone just had me in a chokehold.

We’re in the social media age, right? Almost everybody I know is on Whatsapp or has the Facebook messenger app on their phones. Boy was I in for a surprise!

There was this one incident where, after sending out a couple of invites out on Facebook and Whatsapp to what were our wedding meetings, I get a call from my mum.

It turns out one of my relatives called her complaining. That you cannot invite people to something as serious as this by text message…it has to be done by word of mouth. Story of my life!

Meanwhile, my fiancée was having a ball!

Long story short, what you have to say, whom you have to say it to, how you’re going to say it to them are very important issues in life. Sometimes that is what growing up is all about; good decision making and effective communication.

You don’t have to tell the whole universe though. These are people you want to tell.

1.     Family

Family here refers to whoever “raised” you. Could be a guardian.

“In marriage it’s not about the individuals. It’s about two families coming together”

That’s a statement which I don’t agree with in many contexts, but in this one, it makes the most perfect sense.

Family (under normal circumstances) is the only group of people that will have your back all the time…in theory at least.

Mum’s always look out for their sons while Dads do their best to scare away those sons that are trying to marry their daughters. That kind of love will not let you get into some unstable marriage (…again…under normal circumstances).

Families have their unique traditions. The fact that you have been born and raised in one, means you’re the perfect candidate to make any communication with them.

Let fiancé break the news to his family, and fiancée to hers, and you will be fine.

After that, the rest is really God’s wisdom when it comes to how and who you tell.

All I can say is, if you can’t propose to her by text message, then don’t tell your parents by text message.

2.     Friends

Friends are also one of those easy to come by support systems when you’re getting married. Apart from fighting to be on your entourage, they have contacts for every service provider you will need. They will organize fundraisers for you. They will actually do lots of the running around for you. Tell them in time, and tell them wisely. You know your friends don’t you?

3.     Work and Workmates

You need to tell the people you work with in time. That girl who has a crush on you needs time to take it in and get over you…hahaha

In the real world though, if you work anywhere, you have deadlines to beat, clients, even hierarchies to honour. You need ample time to juggle between your wedding preparation duties, and work. Whether they give you a leave or not, how you handle such situations comes back to haunt or bless you in the future (after your wedding).

The good book says “Always leave when you’re in the good books.”

The good book here is my note-book!

4.     Church folk

Doesn’t apply to you if you’re doing a civil wedding…or something else.

Three entities you don’t want to mess with when you’re getting married are; your church, your family, and the government. Other than the legal aspect to it, your church community is another group of people whose helping hand you will need. It’s a collection of potential service providers, cousellors, advisors, funders et al.

5.     Other

Other people that you have to talk to in time are your potential “organizing committee”.

And of course service providers. Whatever happens, this group of people will need to know that, it’s your wedding, not theirs!

The relationships we have with people are like bridges. You only burn down the bridge when you are sure you will never want to get across the river ever again. Communication is the way we build bridges, or burn them down.

Alright, alright, alright (insert Matt Mconaughey’s voice).

Source: Stock photo

HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide! Part 2

   Part 2: The Big Decision

There are about four days a girl fantasizes about from the moment she’s born. The day she meets her dream man, the day her dream man proposes, her wedding day….the fourth I can’t remember.

Once while watching a wedding show, I heard a bride say, “You dream about the day he proposes all your life… (You’ve played out the thousand possible ways it could happen and, in your head, it’s perfect every time). And then he pops the question, and it’s like a hot slap right across your face!”

Many of my female friends were really excited when they found out I was getting married. You’d think they were excited for me…. No they were not .Instead they were exhilarated about hearing another ‘’so_how_did_you_propose_to_her’’ story.

There is no foolproof method that has ever been invented for popping the big question.

As I was saying, there is no template method for asking someone to marry you. Just like asking someone out, proposing to someone is pretty much just that. The asking is not the issue. The reasons for asking are what should matter!

Marriage happens to be one of those decisions you make once in your lifetime. And they don’t give you second chances. The only time things change is in the case of death or divorce (but that is a discussion for another day) .

“It must not be undertaken carelessly, lightly or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly and after serious thought.”

How did I propose?

Didn’t think you would want to know.

Well… since your begging…

I got her a pair of shades and slipped the ring on their arms. When she found the ring she did not say “yes”.

She cried, and then said “Yes”.

Whatever your reasons are going to be for deciding to get married(love, money, family, future family name, future children’s looks, green card reasons ),these are few things that will help guide you along that journey;

1.       God

The day you get a whiff of a marriage thought, Pray.

Divine intervention must always be your first intervention.

Everything that happens in my life, God happens to come first.

 I’ll just leave that there.

2.       Someone to keep you accountable

When my wife and I decided to get married, we approached an older couple who were friends of ours. (Hello friends of ours!)

You cannot tow the ship alone. Whether you want to believe it or not, someone has been where you are; and there is a reason why they came out “alive”.

They don’t have to be your relatives, or church elders. What matters is that there is a safe space where you share your lives, and they, theirs.

3.       Research and some form of training

When you want to learn how to play guitar, you read about it, watch YouTube videos, and even subscribe for guitar classes. That’s just the way it goes.

We had to sign up and sit in for three different marriage courses; (though some were extremely boring yet mandatory) in addition to talking to different couples, and looking up wedding concepts on Pinterest ( hehe…)

The decision is yours to make, the information is out there!

4.       Your intended future spouse

Your future fiancé/ fiancée is your only partner in this whole thing. If they decide to marry you, it’s going to be the two of you against the rest of us (the world) and our opinions, attitudes, cynicism!

Personally, I believe if the person you are dating is “your true friend” (and they should be) you will know whether it’s  a YES or NO from a mile away (what do I know though…This is the incomplete guide after all)

It’s one of those things you would sit down and discuss you’d think, right?

Source:Stock photo

HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide!

Part 1: Find the Right One

It is said that “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step”. On the contrary, I believe it’s better if that journey begins when you have an idea of where you will be (want to be) when you are through with the a thousand miles. Every guy knows this about a trip to the mall; the strategy is know what you came in to get, get it, and get out!

Similarly, when most people decide to get into a relationship of some sort (even if marriage is not the end goal) asks themselves;

                “Is he the right one?”

                “How do I know I’m with the right person?”

                “How do you find the right one?”

These questions are valid mostly because you do not ever want to be disappointed a few months, even years down the road. Everybody wants to be in a perfect relationship after all.

This is the story of how I met my right one.

Disclaimer: Names of characters in these stories have been altered…you just never know who we might be telling on!

I walk into the tiny partitioned garage studio, past the reception area, straight into the band room to plug in my guitar. I am late for the practice session. I hate feeling awkward around people I have just met so most times I avoid unnecessary conversation. As I fidget with my equipment,

                “Hi, my name is Rebecca. Who are you?”

I look up to answer and this tall, dark, and slender girl is looking straight at me with a face that completes her bold greeting with…

                “So you’re the ka-new ka-guitarist?”

                “So you think you’re too cool for us?”

                “Who are you??”

I smile, and introduce myself.

And that children, is “how I met your mother”.

Well, as fate would have it, that night after rehearsals we walked home together.

Long story short, we did not decide on being each other’s “the one” until a couple of walks, rehearsals, and longer walks later.

So is there such a thing as the right one? Yes there is. How do you find the right one? You don’t and you do. There is no perfect way to tell. In my experience “you just know somehow”, deep down inside you your Spirit just agrees with you. For my friend Jason, it’s “love at first sight”. He met his right one on the steps outside church.

And there is no getting it right every time. When I met Rebecca, I had just walked out of a complicated situation. I had proposed to X, who I had done internship with, and we were having this complicated thing where I was her boyfriend whenever she needed something. (Pulls out hankie)  At the same time I was seeing Y who happened to be going through a complicated patch in her life with a guy she liked. Then, I was being “best-friend-zoned” by Z. It was a crinkum-crankum.

One of the strangest fears people have is to get into something and then it ends. Christians especially feel like if they get into a relationship, they have to end up walking down the aisle with whoever it is they are dating. I believe, if it’s not working, it’s okay to move on from it.

So, yes, find that right person that you connect with, and do not be under any pressure.

Source: Stock photo

How It Is

It’s been exactly 3 months, 3 weeks and five days since the most memorable wedding on earth; ours(my lovely wife’s and I).

For some reason, since then, there’s this one thing everyone we run into, who we haven’t met in a while is dying to find out. After shaking hands, hugs and kisses, and the mandatory “congratulations” “I missed your wedding” people usually stop and ask “SO HOW IS IT?”. My wife and I have still not quite figured out a standard answer for that (yes, we do have standard answers for cliché questions/ situations).

I would like to make an official communication that hopefully will answer that ambiguous question:

• IT IS FINE
• IT IS NICE
• IT IS ENJOYABLE
• IT IS HOT
• IT IS SWEET

Half the time, on my part, I’m not quite sure what exactly someone wants to know or even needs to know when they ask the HOW IT IS.

On a serious note though, I’m feeling inspired to dust up these blog streets of mine and open shop again.
My wife and I were blessed to be part of the once in a life-time experience that organizing our wedding was. It was quite the adventure. Lots of questions were asked, lots of lives were put at stake, lots of money had to be found and spent, lots of food, lots of requirements, lots of things had to happen…

These “lots of things” got me thinking afterwards about how at some point the whole thing (wedding preparations) became just a lonesome journey that only the couple whose wedding was in question had to really experience, how everyone else became just an accessory. Everything seemed to get alittle more complicated just because we were young (“mbu”). No one really gets to walk you through the whole experience and successfully covers all the bases for you. There’s simply lots of questions that go unanswered!

Thus, here’s to my new blog series, where I get to share the behind-the-scenes story of our wedding.
Here’s to “HOW TO GET MARRIED AT 25; The Incomplete guide!”