On Wednesday
afternoon, one of my colleagues at one of
the many places I work, walked up to my desk (he had been answering his
phone prior), and as blankly as ever said, “Sister wange agenze”! “My sister
has just gone”!
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| "My sister's gone!" source: unsplash.com |
The
previous weekend to that (23rd April,2017) marked exactly ten years.
A decade since my dad has passed. Ten years since my father “went”. Like my
workmate, a decade since I received such a call.
I understood
all too well how he felt at that point in time, and that’s not to say that I “knew”
how (he felt). I did what I know how to do when people are at loss/confused/grieving/just
doing nothing. I walked into his office, sat on one of the desks, and just
listened to him. I have a bunch of friends who call it “the ministry of presence”
…the act of “being there” with and for a person.
I think
“death of a loved one” is a thing that is not really talked about (at least in
my circles). It’s one of those uncomfortable topics to discuss (especially with
people that have experienced such loss) and rightly so. What do you talk about?
And how do you talk about it?
So,
here’s my personal dealings with loss. This is what I experienced and that’s
not to say I dealt with it the right way…
Silence
Until
last year (or the year before that…time flies…I don’t remember) I had had no form
of conversation with my closest family about my dad’s death, and how it
affected us (how we felt). It was like at one point we were dealing with so
many things at the same time, then we failed, then someone who was watching all
this hit the mute button…and our lives went on in silence.
Some
may call it a form of grieving, who knows?
It took
my mum grabbing me by the hand and asking to my face, “how do feel? How come we’ve
never talked about this? You and your brother…do you ever talk about what
happened?” Almost a decade later!
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| "..our lives went on in silence" source: unsplash.com |
Anger
And
that’s when it dawned! One of the things I had felt had been anger!
I was
angry at most people. I was disappointed with my family…more like surprised at
what things my relatives can do.
I developed
a distaste for my “home church”. It’s difficult when you have reverends who
cook up stories about you and your family (bad stories) …
It’s
interesting, but most people run! At least in my experience, my number of
friends significantly dropped…and kept dropping some more gradually!
I was
angry at my dad! How could he be so sick, and not let us know? And not have us say
our proper goodbyes? Part of me felt that he had run…abandoned us you could
say!
Every
single project that I started on… school work…anything that begun after my dad’s
passing always seemed to FAIL! It all seemed to die!
I was experiencing
the kind of loss I had never experienced before!
So yes…I
was very frustrated!
Helplessness
I was frustrated,
but then again, I felt helpless! There is nothing I could do about it!
I was
17, starting my A ‘levels, my brother was sitting his final exams to join
University, and the future looked bleak; all that seemed like it wasn’t going
to happen. And I resigned!
The comma
at the end of this phase of my life felt like a heavy full-stop!
Apart
from God, there was no one…or thing to turn to. The people around me were fighting
with their own incarnation of the demon of loss!
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| "anything that begun...seemed to fail" Source: pexels.com |
Motivation or (Recklessness if you
like)
This might
sound a little counterintuitive, but most of the things I’m passionate about/
do right now, I was thrust into them at that point in time!
I was
not about to lose again. True, I’d lost my father…but nothing was about to
steal my dreams away from me. That was not going to happen at any cost.
Just like
that, I started working on my art, writing and music…sometimes with feverish
obsession, other times with reckless abandon. I wanted to see the things in my
head manifest, in my lifetime!
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| "I wanted to see the things in my head manifest, in my lifetime!" Source: unsplash.com |
Perspective
The
perspective, the loss of a loved one serves, is served raw and very cold! It is
real!
Remember
how I said that “most people ran”, that my “number of friends significantly
dropped”? Well, some of that was by choice…my choice.
I could no longer afford to have friends with
whom we were going nowhere (for lack of a better way to put it).
Somehow,
I begun thinking about things like “my priorities in life”, “where I’ll be when
I’m 27”, “what I want to do with my life” and “what next”.
I didn’t
want anyone or anything to mess with my time. It’s like someone hit me on the
head with the sledge hammer of “reality check”, and I woke up!
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| "Somehow, I begun thinking about my priorities in life” Source: unsplash.com |
That’s
the short of it… brief descriptions of what I (thought/believe I) experienced
ten years ago, and the long years that ensued!
So,
when my workmate received that fateful call, I fully and clearly understood
what he felt…even if I had no idea what it was.
Have you lost a loved one?
Do you think you will
ever “get over it” in this life? Is that even possible?
Let’s talk in the
comments section below.
Thank you for
taking the time to read!