My Father’s Son (Part 1)

On Wednesday afternoon, one of my colleagues at one of the many places I work, walked up to my desk (he had been answering his phone prior), and as blankly as ever said, “Sister wange agenze”! “My sister has just gone”!

"My sister's gone!"
source: unsplash.com

The previous weekend to that (23^rd April,2017) marked exactly ten years. A decade since my dad has passed. Ten years since my father “went”. Like my workmate, a decade since I received such a call.

I understood all too well how he felt at that point in time, and that’s not to say that I “knew” how (he felt). I did what I know how to do when people are at loss/confused/grieving/just doing nothing. I walked into his office, sat on one of the desks, and just listened to him. I have a bunch of friends who call it “the ministry of presence” …the act of “being there” with and for a person.

I think “death of a loved one” is a thing that is not really talked about (at least in my circles). It’s one of those uncomfortable topics to discuss (especially with people that have experienced such loss) and rightly so. What do you talk about? And how do you talk about it?

So, here’s my personal dealings with loss. This is what I experienced and that’s not to say I dealt with it the right way…

Silence

Until last year (or the year before that…time flies…I don’t remember) I had had no form of conversation with my closest family about my dad’s death, and how it affected us (how we felt). It was like at one point we were dealing with so many things at the same time, then we failed, then someone who was watching all this hit the mute button…and our lives went on in silence.

Some may call it a form of grieving, who knows?

It took my mum grabbing me by the hand and asking to my face, “how do feel? How come we’ve never talked about this? You and your brother…do you ever talk about what happened?” Almost a decade later!

"..our lives went on in silence"
source: unsplash.com 

Anger

And that’s when it dawned! One of the things I had felt had been anger!

I was angry at most people. I was disappointed with my family…more like surprised at what things my relatives can do.

I developed a distaste for my “home church”. It’s difficult when you have reverends who cook up stories about you and your family (bad stories) …

It’s interesting, but most people run! At least in my experience, my number of friends significantly dropped…and kept dropping some more gradually!

I was angry at my dad! How could he be so sick, and not let us know? And not have us say our proper goodbyes? Part of me felt that he had run…abandoned us you could say!

Every single project that I started on… school work…anything that begun after my dad’s passing always seemed to FAIL! It all seemed to die!

I was experiencing the kind of loss I had never experienced before!

So yes…I was very frustrated!

Helplessness

I was frustrated, but then again, I felt helpless! There is nothing I could do about it!

I was 17, starting my A ‘levels, my brother was sitting his final exams to join University, and the future looked bleak; all that seemed like it wasn’t going to happen. And I resigned!

The comma at the end of this phase of my life felt like a heavy full-stop!

Apart from God, there was no one…or thing to turn to. The people around me were fighting with their own incarnation of the demon of loss!

"anything that begun...seemed to fail"
Source: pexels.com

Motivation or (Recklessness if you like)

This might sound a little counterintuitive, but most of the things I’m passionate about/ do right now, I was thrust into them at that point in time!

I was not about to lose again. True, I’d lost my father…but nothing was about to steal my dreams away from me. That was not going to happen at any cost.

Just like that, I started working on my art, writing and music…sometimes with feverish obsession, other times with reckless abandon. I wanted to see the things in my head manifest, in my lifetime!

"I wanted to see the things in my head manifest, in my lifetime!"
Source: unsplash.com

Perspective

The perspective, the loss of a loved one serves, is served raw and very cold! It is real!

Remember how I said that “most people ran”, that my “number of friends significantly dropped”? Well, some of that was by choice…my choice.

 I could no longer afford to have friends with whom we were going nowhere (for lack of a better way to put it).

Somehow, I begun thinking about things like “my priorities in life”, “where I’ll be when I’m 27”, “what I want to do with my life” and “what next”.

I didn’t want anyone or anything to mess with my time. It’s like someone hit me on the head with the sledge hammer of “reality check”, and I woke up!

"Somehow, I begun thinking about my priorities in life”
Source: unsplash.com

That’s the short of it… brief descriptions of what I (thought/believe I) experienced ten years ago, and the long years that ensued!

So, when my workmate received that fateful call, I fully and clearly understood what he felt…even if I had no idea what it was.

Have you lost a loved one?

Do you think you will ever “get over it” in this life? Is that even possible?

Let’s talk in the comments section below.

Thank you for taking the time to read!