At approximately 12:09pm, on 8th, November, 2012 “specimen-X’s” best-friend’s updates her facebook status with this post:
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird,
and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Weirdness ...really?i guess that means I’ve had my couple of bouts of weirdness in this life.
For starters, it’s in those native stories that “whites” call fairy-tales, and we (were taught in primary school to) call them “legends”. There are those too weird to be true mutual-weirdness.
CINDERELLA
So you were dancing with this girl in some night club or at your party(paarrre),and she ran off suddenly at the strike of midnight, and left you with her “glass slipper”.Really?? I dare say that prince in Cinderella did not know what he was doing. He was naïve.
1. For starters, who doesn’t know that one fact, everything looks beautiful in the neon lights. When morning comes, all that is left is a big dose of “what was I thinking”!!
2. She ran off at midnight?...it must have been curfew or something. Seriously (atleast in Uganda), what do you be doing dancing with a highschool child?ity’s illegal.
3. So her shoe slipped off/fell off her feet in her fleeing manouvre? If the girl can successfully lie to herself about her own shoe size, dwanzy,she lied to you about everything…her name,her age, perhaps even her face???haahaha..
4. So she was running in these glass slippers and they didn’t even get a crack?(who am I even kidding)..they didn’t break? Dear prince,that is what we call plastic shoes. who comes to a ball in “yobos”? Not even windeck!!
Cinderella must have been a Ugandan! “Ekyebeyi kya beeyi…house girl tagenda for parres and things like that”!
SNOW WHITE
So you find a small house in the forest, and get in? That’s what amuses me about bazungu. In horror movies ,they hear something move in the bush, then they slowly(stupidly) walk towards it. They have never learnt, you smell a rat,run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. It’s the only reason why people don’t die badly in Nigerian movies (they just pretend to die even!)!
Anyway ,so snow_white wakes up to dwarfs(and still doesn’t run),her ninja stepmother plays on her what would be a muganda co-wife’s “acid attack” on her rival(I suspect she’s only kind because she is not mugandan),and she succumbs to a comma, and her not so medically aware miner friends prepare for her funeral in a glass coffin (what is it with these people and glassware?).
Meanwhile ,prince charming is idly riding through the forest(I must mention…this is the most drastic kind of idleness you will ever come across in recorded history). Prince charming, finds a girl, who is so pale,she is as white as white paper can get,lying in a glass coffin,and stoops down from his stead to kiss her?is he mad? Has he watched any vampire movies in his life time… or maybe he had his FirstAid lessons mixed up?who gives people in a coffin a kiss of life..mssswww to that!!
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
Honestly ,how desperate can you get? To anyone who tried kissing a frog(that is if you even know how to tell the difference between toads and frogs), I used to think this story was a con…until Shrek2 came along to clear the air. I discovered that the biological bi-product of a frog and a human is an ogre. Which got me wondering, who really are Shrek’s parents? There is another ogre in the story of “Jack and the Beanstalk” who must have had parents also ,and is Jack Bauer in any way a descendant of this Jack?
Thing is there are other princesses who kissed frogs out there and the fairytale writers never told us about it. This story is really just weird, and that’s that!
